Battle of the Pop Charts

March 1978 versus March 2003
ABBACHRISTINA AGUILERA

Slagging off the detritus that floats to the top of the pop charts has always been a favourite pastime of those who consider it their duty to stand in judgement on the musical tastes of the mindless majority. Recently this chorus of disapproval has reached a crescendo of disgust. But has chart music genuinely reached at all-time nadir or are the legion of critics just displaying selective memory syndrome. Let's roll back the years to 1978 and compare the UK Top Ten of the equivalent week in that year with the current crop of bestsellers. How do the contenders stack up  head to head ?

Let the Pulse Panel decide
 2 March 2003  4 March 1978 Pulse Panel Result 
1. Beautiful - Christina Aguilera
You'd never get those lovely ABBA girls going out in public looking like that Or singing anything as dull as this.		 Take A Chance On Me - Abba
Forget about the tacky West-End show and this is still a master class in pop song arranging.
Away Win.
2.  The Boys Of Summer - DJ Sammy
Dodgy continental producer proves that with the right formula shit can strike at least twice.		 Come Back My Love - Darts
The only good thing to come out of the late Seventies' Fifties revival, Darts hit the bullseye again with this doo-wop cover. (Ooh local radio come and get me !) 
Away Win.
 

 
3.  All The Things She Said - Tatu
All that I can say about this is that it's a better record than you'd have a right to expect from a manufactured faux-teenage lesbian Russian pop duo. 		 Wishing On A Star - Rose Royce
Unadulterated magic. Even after 25 years this still makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up every time I hear it. And there aren't many 21st century tunes that have that effect first time around. 		 Away Win.
4. Move Your Feet - Junior Senior
One of the few decent dance tracks to come out this year despite a relatively high cheese factor. Unfortunate then for the Danes that they should be matched with the giants of disco gorgonzola.		 Stayin' Alive - The Beegees
What more can be said about this ? In spite of two decades as the soundtrack of choice for every ageing rhythmically challenged honky it's still untouchably cool as ****.		 Away Win.
5. Keep Me A Secret - Ainslie
Easily the best record of the three released so far by former members of the Fame Academy. At least has the courage to diverge from the usual templates for TV-created pop acts.		 Wuthering Heights - Kate Bush
A contentious decision no doubt but much as I like some of KB's other work this shrieky nonsense just sends me running for cover. And the book's rubbish too.		 Home Win.
6. Cry Me A River - Justin Timberlake
Not quite in the same league as some of the other tracks on the critically acclaimed Neptunes produced LP but an impressive effort nonetheless.		 Figaro - Brotherhood Of Man 
Oh dear. Just try giving this one a spin down at the Skool Disco. 		 Home Win.
 

 
7. Here It Comes Again - Melanie C 
I think we all a have a bit of a soft spot for Sporty but this is a totally uninspiring return to record. Just as well the opposition is so weak.		 Mr Blue Sky - ELO
And the award for most annoying use of the vocoder in the history of popular music goes to.....(no not Cher !)....a bunch of hairy brummie Beatles-copyists.		 Home Win.
 

 
8. I Can't Break Down - Sinead Quinn
Another Academy acolyte grabs her five minutes of Fame which is about how long this song sticks in the mind.		 Just One More Night - Yellow Dog
You probably aren't quite as familiar with this one-hit blunder as with the rest of the 1978 Top Ten. You lucky bastards.		 Home Win.
9. Stole - Kelly Rowland
A presentable example of the latest Urban vibe. She's got the voice and the production is spot on but a bit more passion wouldn't go amiss.		 Love Is Like Oxygen - The Sweet
The Glam-boys last significant hit and a much underrated one too. Unluckily for them the transition from transvestite teen-idols to leather-clad rockers proved too tricky to pull off.		 Score Draw.
10. Lose Yourself - Eminem
Mister Mathers can still do no wrong and for once I can't begrudge him his success. This stomps.		 If I Had Words - Scott Fitzgerald & Yvonne Keeley
Unfortunately I don't. Not any kind ones anyway.		 Home Win.

FINAL SCORE - 2003 - 5½   1978 - 4½ 

So what conclusions can we draw from that ? Well it might be a bit glib but I think we can safely say that today's chartbusters don't suffer quite as badly by comparison with their two and a half decade old predecessors as most of us baby-boomers would have you believe. Having said that, although the lowest common denominator is a bit higher than it once was there's nothing in the current top ten that can live with the likes of Wishing On A Star or Stayin' Alive.

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Battle Archives : 
 May 2002 versus May 1977
 May 2001 versus May 1976
October 2000 vs October 1975