Slagging off the detritus that floats to the top of the pop charts has
always been a favourite pastime of those who consider it their duty to
stand in judgement on the musical tastes of the mindless majority. Recently
this chorus of disapproval has reached a crescendo of disgust. But has
chart music genuinely reached at all-time nadir or are the legion of critics
just displaying selective memory syndrome. Let us roll back the years to
1976 and compare the UK Top Ten of the equivalent week in that year with
the current crop of bestsellers. How do the contenders stack up head
to head.
Let the Pulse
Panel decide
|
20 May 2001 |
22 May 1976 |
Pulse Panel Result |
| 1. |
Do You Really Like It - D.J Pied Piper |
Fernando - Abba |
No Score Draw. Just when it looked
as though the UK garage scene had burnt itself out along comes its most
successful track. Unfortunately though it merely epitomizes the depressing
Ali G-isation of scene which used to promise so much. Björn-again
Abbamaniacs prefer to forget mush like Fernando in favour of the nordic
foursome's more uptempo numbers - and how right they are to do so. |
| 2. |
Don't Stop Movin' - S Club 7 |
No Charge - J.J.Barrie |
Home Win. Anyone who has ever
heard JJ Barrie's cringe-making paean to family values will still feel
the bile rise in their throat at the mere mention of it. There are some
S Club 7 records which can produce the same effect - however this isn't
one of them. It's a well-executed bit of pop-disco fluff - which
is not necessarily something to be scoffed at. |
| 3. |
Thank You - Dido |
Silver Star - Four Seasons |
Away Win. It would really have been
best for everybody if, having donated the only decent bit of this song
to Eminem, Dido had disappeared into obscurity. But hey - what's one more
insipid ethereal-sounding white songstress amongst so many. Silver
Star is not a record that the Four Seasons are remembered for which is
a pity because it's far superior their more well-known sixties shrill-outs. |
| 4. |
All Rise - Blue |
Can't Help Falling In Love - The Stylistics |
Away Win. All I can say about Blue
is that they and their record are as uninspiring as their name and wherever
it is they've come from they should just piss off back there as soon as
possible. The passing of two and a half decades has lent a certain fondness
to my memories of the Stylistics - so I'll let them get away with this
rather weak cover. (Incidentally, the Andy Williams version of this is
its greatest incarnation and don't let anyone tell you otherwise). |
| 5. |
Pyramid Song - Radiohead |
Arms Of Mary - Sutherland Brothers & Quiver |
Home Win. After the reception
meted out to Kid A by their bedrock support Radiohead return to more familiar
territory with indecent haste. I'm afraid that the reverence in which they're
held is something of a mystery to me. I reckon that once you get past that
teenage angst phase you want your pop music to inspire something more than
a desire to raid the medicine cabinet. Like lying in the Arms of Mary perhaps
- except that I can't remember ever fancying anyone called Mary so I'm
going to be perverse and give the nod to the intense ones after all. |
| 6. |
No More )Baby I'ma do right) - 3LW |
More More More - Andrea True Connection |
Away Win. In the space of less than
eighteen months US urban black music has, thanks to the likes of Timbaland
and the Neptunes, gone from being one of the blandest and (ironically)
least soulful of contemporary genres to becoming a home for innovation
and state-of-the-art grooves. Not that you'd know it from this anodyne
little production which is KO'ed in the first by a classic slice of seventies
euro-disco one hit wonderland. Note : Andrea's True Vocation was rumoured
to be acting in the only sort of European films watched by us Brits in
those days. |
| 7. |
It's Raining Men - Geri Halliwell |
Fool To Cry - Rolling Stones |
Away Win. In a blindingly obvious move
(although perhaps not to the millions who have lapped up the Bridget Jones
soundtrack) Geri covers the classic gay anthem to predictably poor effect.
Someone please tell her that she doesn't need to make any more records
to stay on the B-list. From the hugely underrated Black and Blue LP Fool
to Cry is probably the penultimate great Stones single even if Mick does
ham it up a bit. |
| 8. |
Ride Wit Me - Nelly |
Save Your Kisses For Me - Brotherhood of Man |
Home Win. Ooh tricky one. Nelly's
stuff is growing on me but it still lacks much of punch. Get yourself some
phat beats (and a different name while you're at it). SYKFM was not only
a Eurovision winner but 1976's biggest seller - a double-whammy that's
unlikely to be repeated ever again. But some things never change -
Bob the Builder and Shaggy nuff said. |
| 9. |
Heard It All Before - Sunshine Anderson |
Jungle Rock - Hank Mizell |
Home Win. From the moment the spoken
word intro ends Ms Sunshine's debut becomes a thing of thumping beauty,
a truly great single. So may God smite the British record-buying with some
horrendous plague for not making this a bigger hit. Jungle Rock was a fifties
rock n'roll obscurity resurrected god knows how or why and turned into
a UK hit. Hank Mizell was never heard of before or again after. Perhaps
he still working at the gas station where he was rediscovered. |
| 10. |
Cold As Ice - MOP |
S-S-S Single Bed - Fox |
No-Score Draw.
Probably the worst rap record of the year. Using the chorus from a Foreigner
song for god's sake - do these people have no shame. Noosha Fox, who had
very modest solo success after she left the band who bore her name, had
one of the most irritating voices of that era. Her squeaky delivery makes
Kate Bush sound like Bonnie Tyler. |
ABBA
S
CLUB 7