Battle of the Pop Charts

1975 versus 2000

David EssexU2

Slagging off the detritus that floats to the top of the pop charts has always been a favourite pastime of those who consider it their duty to stand in judgement on the musical tastes of the mindless majority. Recently this chorus of disapproval has reached a crescendo of disgust. But has chart music genuinely reached at all-time nadir or are the legion of critics just displaying selective memory syndrome. This week we roll back the years to 1975 and compare the UK Top Ten of the equivalent week in that year with the current crop of bestsellers. How do the contenders stack up  head to head.

Let the Pulse Panel decide
October 2000 October 1975 Pulse Panel Result 
1. Beautiful Day - U2  Hold Me Close - David Essex Home Win. Not exactly a testing encounter for the rock megastars on their return to chart summit. Not one of their more notable efforts either but enough to see off the tousled-haired cockney croaker's soggy singalong.
2.  Kids - Robbie Williams/Kylie Minogue Sailing - Rod Stewart Home Win. The Cliff Richards and Olivia Newton-John of the new millennium just sneak home against the leopardskin lothario's squillion-selling anthem. Kids is a disappointing record, a rather lifeless rocky number lacking either Kylies's glitzy disco sensibilities or Robbie's boisterous crowd-pleasing. However 'Sailing' is a horrible hands-waving dirge that may have tickled the public g-spot but left Rod's artistic credibility looking decidedly flaccid. 
3.  Black Coffee - All Saints There Goes My First Love - The Drifters Score Draw. I have something of soft spot for the Drifters' seventies pop hits. Perhaps they remind me of the teenage snogfest that that decade should have been (but clearly wasn't). All Saints seem to have emerged remarkably unscathed from their disastrous foray into movie acting. Which if they can't come up with something better than this is a bit of a shame. (Spend your pocket money on the Sugarbabes instead kids !)
4. Silence  - Delerium I Only Have Eyes For You - Art Garfunkel Home Win. Let's face it, Art could have saved everyone an awful lot of pain if he'd just released a statement saying that Paul was the one with all the talent instead of confirming it by making records on his own. Unfortunately the record-buyers of Britain decided to humour him and were rewarded for their sins by having Bright Eyes inflicted on them 4 years later. I'm sure it doesn't need saying but if the Delerium track only lived up to its title it would have won this match-up by an infinitely clearer margin.
5. Against All Odds - 
Mariah Carey & Westlife 		 Moonlighting - Leo Sayer Away Win. Oh dear I am afraid there are no words adequate to describe my contempt for whoever decided it would be a good idea to team two of the most loathsome pop acts of the nineties and then have them cover a song written by the most nauseating pop act of the eighties. What I find particularly disgusting is that even though this combination would have had a No.1 with whatever song they released the record company figures "hey what about a Phil Collins track I'm sure he could use a few more royalties". 
6. Body Groove -
Architechs feat. Nana 		 Funky Moped/Magic Roundabout - Jasper Carrott Home Win. How fortunate it is that selective memory syndrome allows us to conveniently forget that there was a time when we thought Jasper Carott was amusing. The single was bought principally for the Magic Roundabout which was apparently too rude to be broadcast on the radio. Consequently I've never heard it but I'm old enough to know it must have been rubbish. Body Groove isn't quite rubbish but it's weak enough to make you fear that the UK garage scene is starting to suffer from some serious quality dilution. They can't bloody spell either.
7.
Zombie Nation - Kernkraft 400		 Heartbeat - Showaddywaddy Home Win. God there was so much to hate about 1975 wasn't there. Like the fact that whilst the best of the soul and funk music emanating from the US barely dented the UK charts cod rock n' rollers like Showaddywaddy had a permanent residency in the top ten. Zombie Nation ? You'd better believe it.
8. Dooms Night -
Azzido Da Bass 		 I'm On Fire - 5000 Volts Home Win. Dooms Night is cut above your average hard house twelve and that's more than good enough to take all the points against 5000 Volts pop-dance clunker. On Fire ? Didn't generate enough heat to melt a tiptop. 
9. Could I Have This Kiss Forever -
Whitney Houston/Enrique Iglesias 		 Fattie Bum Bum - Carl Malcolm Away Win. Miss H's last album finally provided her with some material worthy of her vocal talents - so why she should piss away that regained credibility by allowing the release of this slice of MOR drivel is beyond me. Still at least no-one could ever accuse her of having a fatty bum bum.
10. Who The Hell Are You - 
Madison Avenue 		 Una Paloma Blanca - Jonathan King Home Win. All I can say is that if there is a God Jonathan King will spend eternity in a Disco Inferno where this and all the other records he created are played on a continuous loop. (What I find amazing is that for some reason he chose to release this one under his own name - truly a man who knows not the meaning of shame). 
On the face of it a pretty convincing win for class of Y2K even if they were up against what has to be one of the all-time crappiest top ten's in British Chart History. But then that's part of the point of the exercise - cause if you think chart music is scraping the bottom of the quality barrel at the moment you've obviously forgotten (or are too young to remember) the sheer belief-defying awfulness of the top pop picks from a quarter of a century ago. In the world of pop the cream has rarely risen to the top.

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